I woke up today, already feeling the frustration boiling beneath the surface, bracing myself for yet another emotional catastrophe.
Mornings are when I usually find my focus and get my best work done, but today, people were scheduled to arrive to fix one of our broken air conditioners, right during my most precious hours of productivity.
I could already feel the day slipping through my fingers before it had even begun.
But just as the wave of frustration was about to spiral out of control, my eldest daughter woke up and wrapped her little arms around me in a tight hug. Moments later, my youngest joined in, her embrace just as warm and reassuring. I live for these moments.
Being Present
In that instant, the tension within me began to subside. Their simple, loving gestures reminded me of the greater things in life—the things that truly matter.
Instead of letting the frustration take over, I caught myself, took a deep breath, and reminded myself to slow down, release my frustrations, and accept that it’s okay if my day doesn’t go as planned.
This brief moment of mindfulness, to focus my attention on the present moment and observe my thoughts and emotions, is something that I’m learning to practice daily. It grounds me on my journey of self-care and self-growth, helping me regain control of my actions.
So, I chose to embrace the spontaneity of the day. Just before they arrived, I sat down at my desk, noticed my journal that I hadn’t opened for a while, and began flipping through the pages.
I stumbled upon an entry from October 28, 2022, the day I wrote down these exact words:
“I had some realizations about myself, and I’m ready to give CHANGE a try.”
Losing Myself
This journal entry was different from the rest. Most of my entries are from moments of despair, loathe, and misery. As I started reading through my old entries, I found myself face-to-face with the raw pain I had poured into my writing. Each word brought back the agony, rage, and suffering that once dominated my days.
My journal has always been a safe space—a confidant that has held my deepest, darkest emotions, especially during those difficult times when motherhood and life felt like too much. Writing became my sanctuary, a place where I could release the anger, frustrations, and anxieties that threatened to consume me.
Motherhood brought up old wounds I didn’t even realize was still there, triggering me in ways that weren’t helpful. I found myself drifting through life, stuck in fight-or-flight mode, reacting instead of truly living.
I was trapped in the same routine, barely present in my own life. I silently watched my dreams and ambitions fade away as I stepped into motherhood, unaware of how deeply it was affecting me. I wondered if I was being selfish for thinking about what I needed when my kids depended on me.
To add to that, the reality of motherhood was far from what I had imagined. I felt so vulnerable, so alone like I was on this journey by myself. This journal became my only outlet, the place where I could let out all the negative emotions that I was carrying during those dark moments.
It was the one thing that kept me from completely losing myself.
Yet, in the midst of sorrow, I discovered a turning point—a single entry that stood out like a beacon of hope. It wasn’t filled with anger or despair; instead, it was a declaration of intent, a commitment to change. I had set a goal to turn my life around, to find happiness, and to step out of the shadow of misery that had loomed over me for so long.
Coming Home to Myself
That moment of clarity was when I truly began to come home to myself. I took a deep, introspective look into my life peeling back the layers of my past to examine the choices and patterns that had led me astray.
I faced the painful truths I had avoided for so long—the childhood wounds, the traumas, painful events in my life that I needed to uncover.
I pondered the things I was scared to discover about myself—my dark side, my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my vulnerabilities.
Confronting these hidden pains was tough and emotional. It was like facing demons I had tried to ignore for years.
The journey of self-discovery required me to take full responsibility for my own life. I realized that in order to move forward, I had to let go of blaming others for my pain and suffering and take responsibility for my path.
It wasn’t easy, but it was a crucial step toward healing and finding my way again.
Embracing the Journey
I believe the Universe has a way of guiding us back to the right path when we’ve lost our way. Since moving to the island, I’ve embraced the powerful energy of nature, letting the peace and calm speak directly to my soul.
I’ve learned to tune in, listening closely to the wisdom that comes during those ‘light bulb’ moments, those moments of clarity when everything falls into place, and you feel alive again, believe in yourself, and are ready to take on the world.
Coming home to myself has been the anchor that steadied me in the storms of life.
It’s a journey that’s far from over but has given me the power to change, to grow, and to become the person I was always meant to be.
As mothers, we often lose ourselves in the demands of caring for others, but there’s an unspoken truth we must embrace: to truly care for those we love, we must first care for ourselves.
So, I invite you to take that first step, to come home to yourself. Reflect on what grounds you, what brings you peace, and what sparks joy in your heart.
It’s not about finding perfection but about embracing the journey, with all its ups and downs, and knowing that each step brings you closer to the person you want to be.
By coming home to yourself, you’ll find an anchor that keeps you steady through life’s storms, helping you face challenges with strength and confidence. This will not only improve your life but also inspire those around you, especially the little ones who look up to you.
You’ve got this, Mama.