Childbirth is often seen as ‘love at first sight’ and an instant bond with your newborn. But what if that’s not your story? What if you find yourself overwhelmed by unexpected emotions instead of joy?
Before I became a mother, I thought that, like all the stories and scenes I’d seen, I’d be overwhelmed with joy and experience love at first sight when meeting my baby for the first time. But what actually happened was something I could never have predicted. It was a journey I wasn’t prepared for.
My birth story is different from the fairy tales. It’s a raw and honest journey filled with anxiety, pain, and profound self-discovery.
The Struggles of My Pregnancy
I was in my early 30s when I got pregnant with my eldest daughter. After a miscarriage a few years before, I had almost lost hope of becoming a mother, so I was ecstatic to be pregnant again. Though I was happy, I found myself constantly worrying about my baby’s well-being.
At the time, I was deeply invested in building my baking business, handling all the baking myself. However, I soon had to pause my business and concentrate solely on my pregnancy.
A few months in, an ultrasound revealed a subchorionic hemorrhage. Although the doctor assured me it wasn’t a cause for concern, the anxiety of potentially losing my baby constantly weighed on me. Even though bed rest wasn’t advised, I found myself confined to my bed, watching Netflix, obsessively checking for any signs of trouble.
Adding to my stress was my gestational diabetes diagnosis. I was advised to watch what I eat and observe a strict diet. My anxiety levels soared, and I felt like I was on the edge every day. When my doctor finally cleared me of the hemorrhage declaring my baby healthy, I felt a bit better.
As I approached the end of my pregnancy and prepared for childbirth, I took a childbirth class, which was incredibly helpful in offering valuable insights into what the birth would be like and how to handle it.
Welcoming Sofia
A month later, I gave birth to my daughter, Sofia. I wanted a natural birth, so I opted against interventions and epidurals. Surprisingly, my labor was painless. The nurses and doctors were amazed because the monitors showed I should be in a lot of pain, but I felt no pain at all. This also happened with my second pregnancy, where I experienced painless labor, and my OB still can’t believe how it happened.
It wasn’t until my water broke that I experienced intense, excruciating pain—so strong and sudden that I thought I couldn’t handle it. In a last-minute decision, I agreed to an epidural, but the anesthesiologist was stuck in traffic. After an hour and a half of intense pain, Sofia finally came out. I was immensely relieved when the pain was over, and was deeply grateful that Sofia is safe and healthy.
But, as I lay there feeling the warmth of my baby on my chest, I couldn’t find the happiness I expected. I assumed it was just due to childbirth pain, exhaustion, and lack of sleep from the night before. I told myself that with enough rest, this discomfort would fade and my feelings would improve.
Stepping into Postpartum
Two days after, we were finally cleared to go home, but reality set in quickly. On our first night back, Sofia cried all night, leaving me sleepless and overwhelmed.
Some days when I’m holding and breastfeeding her, I couldn’t stop crying. The joy I expected was replaced by a heavy burden of new responsibilities. I wondered why I wasn’t feeling happy. Where was the ‘love at first sight’ everyone talked about? I thought it was all rainbows and butterflies. Why did I feel frustration and sadness instead?
One afternoon, after I finally got her to sleep, I sank into the nursing chair, feeling utterly drained and exhausted. Tears blurred my vision as my thoughts started racing: “I can’t go out spontaneously anymore or enjoy the little things I used to, like getting my nails done or having a massage. Now, everything has to be planned around the baby, and I feel trapped at home. If I had known it would be this overwhelming, I might have made a different choice.”
I love my daughter so much, but I was deeply struggling. My thoughts were a tangled mess of confusion and guilt. The weight of that guilt was so heavy it silenced me. I felt like a bad mother undeserving of my baby. I couldn’t even see myself as a mother, which made me panic and wonder if I was losing my mind.
I went through the motions, taking care of Sofia like a robot, without really processing my feelings or reaching out for help. I was afraid of being judged, so I kept my struggles to myself. The support of my sister, who helped look after Sofia, and my family, who cooked for me and made sure I could rest, was a lifesaver. Their help made it possible for me to navigate this new reality.
Island Life and My Path to Recovery
Nine months later, we moved to the island. The busy move distracted me, and I felt some relief. Slowly, I began to feel better. After a year, I finally felt like a mother. Looking back, I realized I likely had postpartum depression. I identified with many symptoms but never sought a diagnosis or therapy.
I wish I had prepared for postpartum before giving birth. While I attended a childbirth class, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional and mental toll postpartum would take. I share my story to let other women and mothers know that if you experience what I did, you are perfectly normal.
The physical, mental, and emotional changes of motherhood are huge, especially for first-time moms. On top of that, your hormones are shifting dramatically after childbirth, adding to the emotional rollercoaster. Physically, your body is recovering from birth, and adjusting to caring for a baby. Mentally, you’re dealing with sleep loss and the new demands of parenting. Emotionally, you might feel a mix of joy, doubt, and exhaustion.
For new moms, these changes can be especially intense as you adjust to a completely new life and identity. It’s important to understand yourself, seek support, and not let the judgments of others affect you during this challenging transition.
If you’re a first-time mom reading this, know that you are not alone. Everything you are going through is normal. Don’t be burdened by guilt if you didn’t experience happiness seeing your newborn. Don’t feel bad if you’re frustrated by lack of sleep or miss your pre-motherhood freedom. These feelings are normal, and they will pass.
Motherhood can be overwhelming, but it is also incredibly rewarding. The hugs, kisses, cuddles, and giggles will make it all worthwhile.
Becoming a mother is the greatest achievement of my life.
Are you pregnant and anxious about what lies ahead? Embrace the feeling. You came across this blog for a reason—to be informed and reassured that whatever you go through, you are not alone. It is my mission to share my journey to ease others’ struggles and make you feel less alone. If you need to talk to someone or ask for help, please do so. Don’t hesitate, as it will help support you in your journey.
If I could go back, I would seek therapy or talk to a friend about my experiences. I wouldn’t have carried the burden of guilt alone and would have had the support I needed.
So Mama, remember, you’re not alone in this journey. And your voice matters. Don’t hesitate to speak up and share your experiences. Seek the support you need and embrace every emotion, knowing that every feeling is part of your unique story.
By coming together, we can lift each other up through the highs and lows of motherhood. Your story has the power to inspire and support others who are walking the same path. Let’s build a community of strength, understanding, and love, where every mother’s journey is valued and supported.
Together, we can make a difference and find strength in each other.